WHY NO ONE VOTES: [transcription of] A VERBAL ESSAY by Dylan Dougherty
In June we were hanging out with our friend Dylan and he told us he wanted to do a verbal essay for CLOCKED OUT Magazine on “Why Young People Don’t Vote” and to start recording him RIGHT NOW. So we did and here is the transcript:
Dylan: Alright now I’m on the spot.
CO: Why No One Votes, a Verbal Essay by Dylan Dougherty.
Dylan: Okay so I’m on Instagram off and on, and people post about that shit, right? I’m either, like, heavily addicted or completely off it. I try. On my computer at least, sometimes. But then—so this was in a period where I was off [Instagram]. I wasn't around for the local elections, but then I heard from this dude I was working with at the bar who was like, “Oh, the local election is going on.” So I loosely knew what was going on. I didn’t know the day or anything, I didn’t even know the day of the week at the time.
So I wake up, I go for my morning walk, I’m cooked already. This is like, a year ago. This is like, unless—alright. So it’s like, I don’t know the month, it’s like, September? I don’t know when the local elections happen. This is going back to the initial point. It’s still hot out. I smoked weed in my home. I walked out of the house to look for breakfast. I got a coffee—I got a very caffeinated coffee. And then I walk up the road, and I was walking past the fire station and I noticed a line of old people outside of it. And I was like, oh damn. And it says “ELECTIONS,” and like, “VOTE” and shit. And I’m like, alright. Like, I don’t do that shit very often, let me do that. And I don’t see any other Bard people, it's just me, like, on my own accord. By myself. So I walk up the line, I walk in, it’s like…fluorescent ass lights dude. I walk in, it’s like SUPER fluorescent lights. I fully get vertigo. Like, could not stand straight in the room, dude. And I stand in the line with these old people and it got to me—and so it’s like, here are the booths on the left, there’s a bunch of booths and tables. The Firehouse, dude? Scaaary vibes. I thought the fire house would be awesome. I thought I’d see trucks and shit.
Fiona: And like a pole that you could slide down if you were really nice.
Dylan: And then I walk in and it’s just like this scary ass room. And then I get to the front and I’m like, “Hi. I’m Dylan Dougherty. And I’m here to vote.”
And then they go, “Let me look you up in the system.” And it’s like one really elderly lady and one lady who barely speaks English. And then she’s like, “Oh I’m sorry, we’re gonna have to get an AFFIDAVIT for you.” (Which, I didn’t even know—I thought it was like “affidavid,” like the name David. I don’t know.) So I was like… okay? It was, like, irregular. Cause no one else had that. And she had to get on the phone, and there’s a phat line behind me now. And I’m standing there barely able to stand up. And she’s like “HI, YES, WE HAVE AN INACTIVE VOTER HERE.” Like mad loud in front of all these people. And I’m just like, bro, like–come on dude. I’m trying. This is my first time voting in Tivoli, like, not at Bard or some shit and they have to cook me in front of all these old people. And then I waited there for a minute. I had to sit on the side and I still held up the line even though I was fucking sitting, like no one else could register or whatever until they’re done with me. It’s fuckin stupid they could’ve just—anyways.
They got the affidavit and I go vote and I handed the ballot to a possibly very metrosexual or gay person—he gives it back to me and he’s like “you didn’t do the whole shit.” Because it looked like you didn't have to do the whole shit, and the back had a bunch of double negatives. You know how it’s like you have to vote on the bill? I just put Working Families, Working Families, Working Families because I fuck with Working Families.
Zoe: You vote Working Families party?
Dylan: Yeah. Fuck you—what, you don’t?
Zoe: No it’s cool.
Dylan: Cool. And then I looked at the back side and it was a bunch of double negatives, like “Do you not not want the yellow line to exist in this specific, XYZ, like, some random ass—some really wildly specific shit. I had no fucking clue, so I’m like I’m not gonna vote on shit if I don’t know what I’m voting on, so I didn’t fill that out, and then I just got really shy and just gave the dude my shit, and he wanted to give me the sticker and I didn’t even take it and then I walked out.
Fiona: Awwww
Dylan: And then the rest of my day I was way too caffeinated and then I tried to take a nap and then I got a headache.
Fiona: And that’s why you think people our age don't vote?
Cam: That was honestly really relatable.
Dylan: It was a very hostile experience. That is the, like, POV of a young person who is trying.
Fiona: What do you think would be better? What would make you want to vote?
Dylan: I don’t know, like, a cocktail or something. Like, free booze.
Cam: If it’s like an art gallery or some shit, like you know how they have the wine?
Dylan: Yeah if they made that shit, like, a vibe.
Fiona: Like floor lamps with yellow/orange hue
Dylan: good lighting, good seating
Fiona: you can smoke inside
Dylan: They can do it outdoors. They can have a cookout.
Fiona: Why does it have to be in November? Why can’t it be in July?
Dylan: I can have a cookout with a bunch of Trumpies, vote for whoever I want…
Cam: The people in power find that–
Fiona: I’m ending this.
end